Transcript of Joe Fenti's Corporate Expressions

Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Joe Fenti in any way. All of these quotes are directly transcribed from Joe Fenti's Tik Tok Series, "New Corporate Expressions". I really liked a lot of these, so I put them on one singlular, easily referencable blog post. I take no credit for these. Please go check out his series. Feel free to share/ replicate this post!

Episode 1

• "Hey look team, we don't want to milk the cow from the inside on this one."
  • "There's an easier way to get what you're going for. You don't have to do all that work."
• "Look, I know deadlines are coming up, so you might just have to hit on the ugly person at the bar."
  • "Tt's late and you're running out of options. It's either this or nothing at all"
• "Team I know, but we can't pee from a rooftop and call it rain."
  • "You can't lie to help yourself here. Everyone on the ground might think it's rained, but we know what's going on here."

Episode 2

• "Hey team! I love what we're doing here, but are we giving the Amish a Tesla with this?"
  • "Sure that sounds like a great present to a lot of us, but you got to know who you're gifting to. They might not want it ."
• "Team look, we got to get these slides done. I'm fine putting eye black on the polar bear and calling it a panda."
  • "We know it's not 100% right but close enough right?"
• "So I got some good news, the boss is going to increase our budget. I guess dad finally came back with the milk after all."
  • "Nobody thought the situation was going to end like this. First he's back, and now he actually brought milk. What a surprise!"

Episode 3

• "Hey Tim, I know we've got a lot of scheduled PTO coming up so I just want to make sure I'm not asking a mime to sing in the opera."
  • "You're asking for too much. First you want a mime to talk, now you want them to sing in an opera? lower your expectations."
• "So team, did you hear about that intern who was coaching the other intern? Talk about a snail teaching a turtle how to go fast."
  • "They're both really slow. What advice are they going to give each other about going fast?"
• "Hey team, yeah we built something like this before we don't have to start from scratch we're looking for corn and manure than in the fields."
  • "Sure you can find corn kernels and shine, but have you tried looking where it grows?"

Episode 4

• "Hey Team, the deck is getting really out of hand. We do not need 20 appendix slides, we're performing a circumcision with a chainsaw."
  • "You're overdoing it. A scalpel would work just fine, a chainsaw is gonna mangle the thing."
• "Hey Brandon, yeah totally fine if you take Friday off. You're whispering out in Italian dinner."
  • "Nobody's gonna notice everyone else around you is yelling, they're not gonna hear anyone whispering."
• "Ohh my god the intern hard coded all these cells. Talk about wiping with poison ivy."
  • "Sure it fixed the short term problem by wiping in the woods, but you're going to have a massive problem later."

Episode 5

• "The new associate just called in sick the day after the 4th of July. Talk about case of teenage boy tennis elbow."
  • "Sure you can get tennis elbow from playing tennis, but as a teenage boy you're probably getting it from doing something else or if you're not met her boss."
• "He's great, but he can be a little boomers iPhone font."
  • "Huge, hard to miss, and in your face."
• "I can't believe the intern said that on the call, especially in front of clients. Talk about singing an apology."
  • "There's a time and a place for singing and during an apology is not one of them."

Episode 6

• "Hey team the project's almost over. I know the product isn't perfect, but we can just fart during the applause."
  • "Wait to let out your bad news, cause if you say it at the right time maybe they won't notice."
• "I can't keep up with this client at all. They're so hard to read, we got a real vegan anteater here on our hands."
  • "Talk about a confusing situation. If an anteater doesn't eat ants then what do you call it?"
• "We've got some work to do to. Figure this one out, we should definitely bring in that new animals to help us with this model and he's great with that sort of stuff. It'll be like giving a hot dog to a sword swallower."
  • "Easy peasy. That's like nothing to a sword swallower, a 6 inch weiner isn't gonna slow down someone who can take on a literal sword."

Episode 7

• "Team, we do not need to rebuild the whole presentation, let's just update with the new numbers. We don't have to poison grandma when we can just cut onions."
  • "Both of these things are gonna make you cry, but one of them is going to make you feel way worse."
• "We should push back that meeting tomorrow morning. The client can be a little bit of a day owl."
  • "They don't function in the morning at all. When was the last time you saw an owl in the daylight?"
• "Yeah I think we're all set for the presentation on Friday. As long as no one poops their shoes, we should be fine."
  • "Really, really messing up. Pooping your pants is one thing, but getting it all the way to your shoes?"

Episode 8

• "If you're going to complain to our boss don't do it on the stand up call. You gotta microwave fish in your own kitchen."
  • "If you're going to stink up a room by microwaving fish, don't do it in a public place. Do it somewhere where only you're affected."
• "We really need to start double checking our work before we send it to the client. We're on the cat's 9th light here."
  • "You've messed up a lot and you are on your last chance. If you screw up one more time, the thing is definitely gonna be dead."
• "We shouldn't be talking about the formatting of the slides when the data behind it is all wrong. We're having plumbing to the treehouse."
  • "No matter how many things you add to a treehouse, it's still going to be a treehouse. Sure homes have roofs and plumbing, but they're also not in trees."

Episode 9

• "I'd be careful if you're going to talk to the boss about work expectations. You don't want to bring a shotgun to a game of Russian roulette."
  • "Russian roulette is risky enough as it is, but you're definitely going to lose if you play with a shotgun."
• "The new hire we have can build models and we're only using them to format slides? Come on team, a witches broom isn't for sweeping."
  • "Sure you can use a broom to clean, but witches can use them to fly. Don't limit what you can do is something just because of how it looks."
• "Taking notes during the call is great, but i need you to start speaking up. It's time you did more than just bring napkins to the potluck."
  • "You're at least bringing something to the table, but it's the easiest bare minimum thing you can contribute."

Episode 10

• "Look, you gotta cool it with all the LinkedIn posts. You're really photographing the ugly baby here."
  • "We know you're very proud, but nobody wants to see it. Sure people will be nice about it to your face, but they're talking about it behind your back."
• "Make sure you say you have a hard stop when you meet with them. They'll always turn a fortune cookie into a novel if you let them."
  • "Taking something small and really dragging it out without adding any real substance."
• "Did you hear? Kevin's finally getting fired! Still, we gotta act sad when we hear the news. We can't bring marshmallows to the house fire."
  • "Celebrating and having fun when something really horrible is happening to someone else."

Episode 11

• "I just put in my two weeks I don't care about the work I have left. Until I leave I'll be farting on an escalator."
  • "You're knowingly doing something bad that someone's gonna walk right into."
• "Leave as many negative company reviews as you want, but nobody's reading them. You're just clipping the Penguins wings."
  • "Penguins can't fly to begin with. You may think you're doing something but you're just wasting your time."
• "Great job on the call today with the partner, you were using all the right buzzwords. You were really yelling to the Italians."
  • "You're speaking in a way that the audience is used to and really enjoy it. You're really resonating with them."

Episode 12

• "I can't believe you deleted all of our working files! Get ready to be wiping with both hands."
  • you really made a mess back there and now it's gonna take a lot of work to clean up the situation
• "Look, I'd much rather have you leave the call than Brandon. You gotta stick your award winners on the air."
  • "Making sure that everything is in the right place so things run smoothly."
• "So what you sent the e-mail without the attachment? Just send another one, one kiss in the ocean won't change the tides."
  • "A small mistake that really won't change anything. Nobody's gonna notice as long as you're not completely obvious."

Episode 13

• "You sent me an excel 101 course. Way to give a rooster an alarm clock."
  • "A rooster is already supposed to be an alarm clock. I know you're trying to be nice, but that's just insulting."
• "We just sent the data request an hour ago. Wait a day before you follow up, I don't want you unloading the dishwasher at the crack of dawn."
  • "Sure you're being helpful, but you're doing it at the wrong time. You need to wait a little bit."
• "We don't need a third project plan, that'd just be a razor at a mustache convention."
  • "Who is that gonna help? That's the one thing they don't want at all."

Episode 14

• "Hey team I love the initiative here, but we can't rob the college student."
  • "College students are broke. Don't rob them now, wait until they actually have a job and some money before you rob them."
• "Don't make me share a high and low of the week every time we start a call, that's just talking at the urinals."
  • "That isn't the time to talk, nobody likes that, Just do what you need to do and be done."
• "Make sure you get partner approval on that expense before you submit it. You got to sedate the hound before you neuter it."
  • "One of these things has to happen first, otherwise you're gonna have a huge problem on your hands."

Episode 15

• "Look team this isn't helping. We're just quitting vapes with cigarettes."
  • "You're solving a problem by introducing a different problem, which isn't all that different in the first place."
• "Stop giving us a different tool, let's just keep the spatulas on the chef's hand."
  • "Don't change up what's already working. How is the chef gonna cook without a spatula?"
• "Unlimited PTO isn't a good benefit it's just putting a basket on a unicycle."
  • "Where is that gonna go and what is that gonna solve? It's just not helpful.

Episode 16

• "Don't send a meeting invite to the park or you're just waiting for a zebra to moo."
  • "Sure, zebras and cows are both black and white, but zebras will never moo. You're just gonna be waiting forever."
• "Just use the same formula everywhere, unless you like combing your hair with a fork."
  • "You can certainly comb your hair with a fork, they're just Ccmbs with less prongs. But it's gonna take way longer to comb your hair that way."
• "The client is a mess. I wouldn't worry about your one typo, you're farting next to the dumpsters."
  • "Dumpsters already smell terrible who's gonna notice if you add to the pile."

Episode 17

• "Our boss said we're still hybrid but have to go in on Fridays, talk about putting raisins in my cookie."
  • you're ruining a great thing icing makes a cake better but raisins make a cookie disappointing
• "Stop adding all these details with a quick update slide we're heating up the gazpacho."
  • "The whole point of gazpacho is that it's served cold. If you heat it up, then you don't have gazpacho."
• "Look, I don't care about the formatting of the agenda. There are no highlights in the 100 meter dash."
  • "When you're just sprinting for 10 seconds the whole race is a highlight. There's no need to be flashy, just get the job done."

Episode 18

• "The boss made this return to office mandate to increase productivity, but I waste way more time when I'm in the office. Be my guest if you want to slam the revolving door."
  • "Slamming a revolving door isn't going to close it. It's only going to make it go faster, that's the exact opposite of what you're trying to do."
• "Make sure to clean up the notes right after the call, you don't want to take a 9:00 PM nap here."
  • "You're just gonna be making it more difficult for yourself later. Sure taking a nap at 9:00 PM sounds nice but going to bed that night is gonna be awful."
• "I know the boss uses the same joke every stand up call, but he kind of beat the dead horse until it turned to CPR."
  • "Doing something so much that you're actually improving the situation that you were making terrible before. Beating a dead horse is bad, but beating it so much that it becomes CPR pretty good."

Episode 19

• "I don't know how the analyst got this report perfect, but don't ask why the teenage boy is good at churning butter."
  • "Why do you think a teenager would be good at that motion? Maybe he lives on a farm, but probably not better be safe and not question it."
• "When the boss asks you if you want to lead the call, he's telling you to. He's always knocking while opening the door."
  • "Knocking at that point doesn't give you any time to know if someone's already in that room. You're just barging in politely, which is still barging in."
• "The client already loves us we can just hand in whatever, we're kicking in denver here."
  • "It's way easier to kick a field goal in denver because of the high altitude. You're able to perform that well because everything is acting in your favor."

Episode 20

• "We don't want to switch vendors here, you kill 1 spider you'll get 100 flies."
  • "Getting rid of one big problem that leads to a lot of other smaller problems. If you don't have a spider who's gonna get those flies?"
• "Let's move on from these example slides and build our own so we don't sit on a hard boiled egg."
  • "A baby chicken is never gonna hatch from a hard boiled egg no matter how long a mother hen sits on it."
• "I know you're quitting soon but telling the boss how much you hate him, it's just cotton swabbing your ears."
  • "Putting a Q-tip in your ear feels really good, but it could cause some serious long term damage later. Better avoid this even though you really want to do it."